Refuge

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8

The hits keep coming and it shouldn’t surprise me given that I have Metastatic Breast Cancer, yet they still do. I have been through difficult times in my life. I am going through difficulties now and I am heading at an accelerated rate toward more difficult times. It is heavy; in between all the joy and love and laughter and fun it is really, really heavy. The emotional highs and lows I experience every day are utterly exhausting. At night, as I am reflecting on a particularly good day, I will suddenly break down, sobbing , wishing this cancer would disappear.

Dave and I will make quite a few trips to Barnes in April. We were there so much in March. I was hoping for a respite. I will have treatments 81 and 82 during April. I will spend another day meeting with anesthesia, getting pre-surgical lab work and getting a head CT and another brain MRI so my neurologist can map out the surgery. My surgery is scheduled for April 26, pending insurance approval and I will spend at least one day in the hospital. Recovery will take several weeks.

My parents were part of The Silent Generation. They were children during The Great Depression and World War II. They also both had at least one grandparent who was an immigrant. The Silent Generation worked hard and kept quiet; there was never any discussion of feelings. Children were to be seen but not heard. Emotions were something to be avoided at all costs. A positive mindset was highly valued. My house growing up was filled with books and newsletters about The Power of Positive Thinking. There is nothing wrong with that unless you are using that as an excuse to avoid dealing with emotions, and many people I loved refused to think or speak about emotions. I believe that is a ticking time bomb. 

I tend to withdraw from the world when the waves are crashing around me. I spent years thinking this was a weakness of mine – that I could not handle life as well as I should. Only in the past year have I learned to give myself grace. A recent post on www.tinybuddha.com reads:

Animals in the wild instinctively seek out quiet and safe places to rest when they are wounded and hurt. They stay there until they regain their strength, without feeling guilty or trying to push through the pain. Humans can learn a lot from nature’s wisdom by prioritizing rest, unapologetically, whenever they’re hurt, injured or unwell.

A poem by LE Bowman reads: 

Sometimes we need the protection

The armor. The walls.

Not all fortresses are prisons.

Some are cocoons.

I will be spending much time this spring resting and healing here on the farm. I strive to live each and every day I am afforded. I find refuge knowing that God goes behind, with, and before me. I am not alone and neither are you. Whatever your difficulties are – God is walking your journey right along with you, just as God is doing for me. God does not need you to think positively. That is the beauty of God’s wild and crazy love for us, without stipulations.