Missing Me

Yesterday I had a stealth brain MRI with contrast to map out the radiation I will have next week. Then I went to a CT room that looked like this:

What I will describe as a warm bag of goo was placed in the black device toward the tube. I rested my head in it and two radiology technicians molded it around the back half of my head to form a tight mold. It dried and hardened as it cooled. Next they placed a hot plastic-like sheet on my face with only my eyes and nose exposed. They stretched it tight and kept stretching and pressing to form a mask. They also screwed it into the mold they had just formed. It also hardened as it cooled. once this was all done they sent me into the tube for a brain CT. They made marks all over the mask to use when they position me for radiation next week.

SRS (stereotactic radio surgery) delivers high doses of radiation to precise areas. I will have 5 SRS treatments next week, Monday through Friday. The goal is to eliminate the cancer currently in my brain. The treatments will take less than 30 minutes each, including time to get me into the mask and back out the door. I am hoping to drive back and forth every day to St Louis for treatment, a 7 hour round trip. My radiologist told me I can drive myself to and from treatments. Dave will be able to do a couple days to help me out.

Today is Tuesday and we are back on the road to St Louis. I will be at Barnes from 8 am until 6 pm. I will have a whole body bone scan and a chest/ab/pelvic CT. Then I will see my oncologist for results. Finally I will go to the chemo pod to receive treatment. Also today I begin the 2 oral chemo drugs. These both cross the blood-brain barrier so hopefully this will stop any more brain tumors from appearing. The trade off is some pretty nasty side effects.

I am feeling pretty low these days. My vacation was mentally great but left me physically exhausted. I manage the care for my elderly mother and those job duties keep increasing as time passes. There is no part of my life that resembles my life before cancer. My soul aches to return to that life where I was physically able – able to work, able to walk and hike and go wherever I want, able to exist without constant pain. I miss my old life that was not filled to the brim with medical appointments and treatments and procedures. There is no dignity in cancer scans and treatment. I miss the old me who had plans for the future. Our remodeling project should be completed this before summer ends. I am using retirement funds for this since it highly unlikely that I will live to reach retirement age. My goal is to spend time on the farm I love with Dave and my dogs. That is it and that is everything.