On Sunday, October 13 I delivered the message at Bethany Park Christian Church in Rantoul. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and want to share it with some new thoughts added. Note: I am not a trained pastor, just a disciple who tries hard. These thoughts are my own.
Our scripture reading is from Job 23: 1-9, 16-17. Job is in great physical pain from the boils that cover him from head to foot. He is still hurting from the deaths of his family and losing all his money. He is irritated by his friends. Job is a bitter man. He is trying to make sense of his life. Why is God punishing him? Why is all this happening?
New International Version
Job
23 Then Job replied:
2 “Even today my complaint is bitter;
his hand[a] is heavy in spite of[b] my groaning.
3 If only I knew where to find him;
if only I could go to his dwelling!
4 I would state my case before him
and fill my mouth with arguments.
5 I would find out what he would answer me,
and consider what he would say to me.
6 Would he vigorously oppose me?
No, he would not press charges against me.
7 There the upright can establish their innocence before him,
and there I would be delivered forever from my judge.
8 “But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.
9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
16 God has made my heart faint;
the Almighty has terrified me.
17 Yet I am not silenced by the darkness,
by the thick darkness that covers my face.
A little over 5 years ago, Dave and I sat in a doctor’s office and heard the words, “There is no easy way to say this.”
Breast cancer that had already spread to my bones (spine and sternum), adrenal gland, and innumerable messes on my liver. Metastatic breast cancer. Stage IV breast cancer. It is incurable and I was given a 20% chance of surviving 5 years.
5 years was July 24 of this year.
I had annual mammograms beginning at age 40 and they were all negative for cancer. Nine months before I learned I had metastatic breast cancer I had a negative mammogram. What happened?
I learned that I have dense breast tissue. On a mammogram, dense breast tissue appears white and cancer appears white. Mammograms miss over 50% of cancerous tumors in women with dense breast tissue. Women with dense breast tissue need supplemental screening – ultrasounds and a breast MRI.
Starting Jan 1, 2019, mammogram reports in Illinois are required to list your breast density. My last mammogram was October 2018. That law was too late for me.
If you are a woman or know a woman – this is what you need to know.
- Get an annual mammogram beginning at age 40, or earlier if you are in a high risk category.
- Look at the actual radiology report. You will need to access your medical chart online for this. Do not rely on the verbal report from your doctor’s office. This applies to any testing you receive. You need to be your own advocate and look at the reports and ask questions until you understand them.
- If you have dense breast tissue, tell your doctor to order an ultrasound or MRI.
- Perform monthly breast self-exams. I would not be here today if I had not found my own tumor.
For context, after I found my lump, a diagnostic mammogram found a vague density in my right breast. An ultrasound showed a 2.4 centimeter tumor. A breast MRI showed 2 tumors, both over 3 centimeters and connected to each other with tentacles. Get the right testing!
- One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. How many women do you know? Divide that number by 8. That is how many women you know who will likely get breast cancer.
- Men can also get breast cancer.
- Every year 685,000 people in the world die from metastatic breast cancer.
- In the United States, over 43,000 people die of metastatic breast cancer every year. That is 117 people each and every day.
We are in the midst of a sea of pink and pink ribbons in the month of October. When you consider how to help, know that less than 5% of all the US breast cancer research dollars goes to researching metastatic breast cancer – the only kind of breast cancer that kills. I am part of Light Up MBC. The money we raise goes to Metavivor, the only organization in the United States that exclusively funds MBC research. Yesterday I participated in the Be a Hero Fun Run in Chicago, which also raised money for Metavivor.
Today, Sunday, October 13, is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Day. State Farm Center on the University of Illinois campus will be lit up green, teal and pink this evening – the colors of the metastatic breast cancer ribbon. It is one of over 200 landmarks around the country that will be lit in our colors tonight as part of a Light Up MBC campaign to raise awareness for metastatic breast cancer and to raise research dollars.
This evening you can tune in for a live virtual evening of inspiring MBC stories at illuminated landmarks, special celebrity guests and musical performances – all to raise money for metastatic breast cancer research. It will stream on social media and the internet. Dave and I will be standing in front of State Farm Center this evening as I tell my story for the event.
Also as part of the live event, there is an auction. I have teamed up with Jenny Simpson of Creekside Nursery in Dallas, North Carolina and Power Planter of Loda to offer a Signature Creekside Nursery Event. You can bid on it during the live event.
I have a blog if you would like to get updates on my journey.
Mostly, though, I want to try to make sure no one else gets their breast cancer diagnosis too late to be cured. Early stage breast cancer (0,1,2,3) can be cured. Metastatic (Stage IV) breast cancer has no cure. All I can do is continue to treat the cancer to keep it under control. I receive scans every 3 months to see if any new tumors have popped up. In November 2020 the cancer also spread to my brain. This May I had surgery to remove my 12th brain tumor. Last Wednesday I received my 89th chemo treatment – I get them every 3 weeks and will until I die. In the last 5 years, in addition to the 89 chemo treatments, I have had 3 rounds of gamma knife on brain tumors, radiation to the adrenal gland and my left shoulder, 9 heart MRIs and 7 echocardiograms (because one of my chemo drugs is known to cause heart damage), 18 brain MRIs, 14 whole body bone scans, 19 chest/ab/pelvic CT scans. Yes! I am fortunate to have survived 5 years so far, but it certainly isn’t easy.
I think back to Job. Job could not understand why all the bad things were happening to him. He wanted to find God so he could go to God and plead his case. He wanted to hear God’s side – to understand the mind of God. Surely God wouldn’t oppose him if he could plead his case in person. Why me, God? I wonder if Job – and me – and you – should, instead, be asking, Why NOT me”? Why do I have Stage IV cancer? Why shouldn’t I have Stage IV cancer? Neither one of those questions has a satisfying answer. God absolutely did not decide that I would be diagnosed with a terminal illness anymore than God decided someone else’s tumors found that day would be non-cancerous. I don’t think we humans are supposed to understand the mind of God. Faith doesn’t have to do with intellect (thank goodness) or even feelings. God is found in the heart of a child. Faith is a deep knowing that is woven inside all of us. Faith is that instinct to silently plead, “God, help me,” in our darkest moments.
Despite Job’s moanings and criticism and doubt, he was still seeking God. God knows where to find us. And God is with us in the highest highs and the darkest lows.
I don’t know why I am still here. I decided early on that I only wanted to die once – and if I focus on dying or when I will die, that means I am giving death more than one day. I will keep striving to LIVE each day I am here, to love my family hard, and to thank God for my wonderful life.
Added thoughts afterwards:
It is my strong belief that my God is not somewhere playing with humanity like chess pieces. God is with us and for us, no matter our religion (or no religion), socio-economic status, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender or mother tongue, or political party. God did not cause the Holocaust or 9-11 Tragedy anymore than God decided that I should have stage IV cancer. God is not going to choose the outcome of today’s national election, either.
There is one thing that I know will be true in the face of the coming unknown: No matter what happens, our boat will sail on and our faith will keep us afloat.
– Rev. Kaeley McEvoy, “A Prayer for Calm Amid an Anxious Election Season”
I am not in control. 