TODAY was a “false spring” February day in Central Illinois. Temperatures reached the mid-sixties and the sun reached into my soul. Madi and I took a long walk on our county road. We heard children playing in Elliott – happy shrieks and laughter and an occasional “not it.” We saw a group of children trying to walk a big dog who preferred to drag the small youngster holding on the end of the leash. More shrieks and laughter at that escapade. We saw a family playing at the park. We passed a chicken coop that is so difficult for Madi to ignore. We heard birds chirping happily, enjoying a day that doesn’t require all their energy to merely survive.
YESTERDAY I heard one of my favorite stories in church, when a group of people wanted to get their paralyzed friend in front of Jesus to be healed. They could not get through the crowd, so they cut a hole in the roof and lowered their friend down in front of Jesus. I am obviously paraphrasing. You can read it at Matthew 9:1-8. I have mentioned before that healing is a difficult concept for me to hear in church now. Metastatic breast cancer has no cure yet. There is no healing the MBC I face. I have come to see my healing as collecting moments of peace and joy and hope with the recognition that they outnumber the bad moments. I also think of my friends and family who keep cutting a hole in the roof for me to be placed in front of Jesus. I am so lucky.
TOMORROW I will have treatment #113. I absolutely do not want to go. Every three weeks. Time passing by with a solemn, slow drum beat. I think of all the things I wanted to do in the last treatment cycle, but did not. I think of how I will feel the next few days. I think of all the things I would rather do than go to St Louis and get an infusion.
But TODAY there was sunshine and happy sounds and fresh air and Madi. I thank God for TODAY.
I am not in control. 