Today is treatment 79. The sun is shining and it is a lovely day at Siteman South County.

I’m sitting in Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas, Nevada this morning waiting for my flight to Indianapolis. I’ve spent the last several days on a trip with girlfriends. It has been practically perfect.

As I re-enter reality, I have 3 trips to Barnes in the next 4 weeks – not an especially pleasant reality. My next 4 weeks includes: treatments 79 and 80, a brain MRI and neurology appointment, a bone scan, a chest/ab/pelvic Ct scan, and an appointment with my breast cancer oncologist. Hopefully I will find out my license to live is being renewed for another 3 months.

Tune in on social media to watch the premiere of My Density Matters’ BREAST TOOLS Talk Show. I was originally scheduled to appear but a winter storm kept me home and off the roads. I am working diligently to inform women of the importance of knowing their breast density and the additional screening necessary for women with dense breast tissue. Please help me.

I wish I did not have Stage IV breast cancer. I wish my next 4 weeks was not filled with medical appointments and procedures. I wish I wasn’t living my life in 3 month chunks, from scan to scan. I wish I wasn’t living with the side effects of cancer including pain every day. I cannot change my story but, by spreading information about breast density, I might be able to change yours.

The decision has been made to keep watching the questionable spot in my brain and to scan again in 2 months instead of 3 months. I have a list of symptoms that require a prompt call to my neurologist if they occur. I am not in control and cancer keeps reminding me of that. My heart aches when I think how different my life would be if my breast cancer had been discovered at an earlier stage, before the monster crept into to my brain. I urge all women to know their breast density and what it means. I cannot change the ending of my story but I might be able to change yours.

Wednesday (1/17) was a long day in St Louis. I picked my husband up at his work at 5 am and we headed to St Louis. Despite the winter weather we’ve had recently, the roads were clear. We arrived at Siteman South County at 8:15 am. After registering I heard someone greet me by name and saw another 4-H House alum in the waiting area. She is a breast cancer survivor herself, but was there supporting her mom who was receiving her first chemo infusion for breast cancer. I have added that family to my prayer journal and I hope you can send good thoughts their way, as well.

My port was accessed and blood was drawn for labs. I had a great visit with my oncologist and delivered holiday presents for her and her staff. They take great care of me and each one reminds me they are praying for me each time we interact. I am doing well enough neck-down to move my scans out to every 5 months instead of every 4 months. This means my next neck-down scans will be in March.

Treatment #77 was completed without any complications

I started a new book, “The Book of Lost Names” by Kristin Harmel. I highly recommend it. I hated to stop reading when my infusions were finished.

My husband and I had time to grab lunch at Blues City Deli, one of our favorite places in St Louis. Then we drove to the main campus for my brain MRI. We had a 90-minute wait for my appointment with my neurologist.

Don’t be fooled by the smiles – we were both terribly anxious at this point, waiting for the results. I treated myself to a cupcake to get the taste of contrast out of my mouth.

2023 was a difficult year for my family and 2024 hasn’t been any better with my mom in the hospital and the rest of us so sick with respiratory illnesses. I thought it was surely time for our luck to turn. Unfortunately it did not. My case will be presented to the tumor board next week so they can decide as a group how to proceed. This is the third brain MRI that has gone before the tumor board and the fifth time overall that my chart has been presented.

I received the devastating diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer exactly four and half years ago today. I spent 90 minutes yesterday in a new-to-me online support group for MBC. We shared how we all feel like our old selves died the day of diagnosis and we miss our old lives. We talked about toxic positivity and how much it hurts when it comes from people we love. We spent a lot of the time talking about how we each feel like so many people still depend on us for help and not many people are there to offer support. I asked for advice on setting boundaries and got some good ideas.

My daughter helped me shop for groceries today including driving me so I could rest. She took care of my dogs yesterday when I was gone. We also went to visit my mom, who is home from the hospital. My mom has the absolute best home health aide, who has stepped up her hours so that I can get some rest after treatment. My mom loves her to pieces, and I do, too!

As I write this, I have 2 snoring labradors with me in bed. I’m at home on the farm I love so much. I may not know what will come of the tumor board meeting next week, but with God’s help (along with some from Dave, Haley and Amy), I will get through this particular challenge.

Edited to add that this was actually treatment #77. Sometimes I’m too tired to keep it all straight.

2024 has been a blur. My entire family has been battling various respiratory illnesses including Covid for some of us and influenza for the rest. My mom was hit hard with Covid and ended up in the hospital, where she has been for many days. We hope she is discharged soon and can return home with her caregivers.

I am switching treatment days to Wednesdays and going to Siteman Cancer Center – South St Louis County. It is a nicer facility and dedicated only to cancer treatment so we are hoping to not have the long pharmacy wait times that we’ve been experiencing at the main campus. It is an additional 30 min drive one way, but we think it will be worth it. This Wednesday I will have treatment 77 in the morning and then head to the main campus for a brain MRI and to meet with my neurologist. I’ve been too sick and too worried about my mom to worry about the brain MRI. I’m sure that will kick in soon. I place all my trust in God, who gives me everything I need every single day.

We are finally getting a measurable amount of snow here at our Central Illinois farm. Indie, Madi and I had to get out to enjoy it. It is breathtaking to watch a starry, snowy sky at night. I am able to hear so much on snowy nights – paws crunching, owls hooting, coyotes howling, a barn door creaking, barn cats scurrying to take refuge from the dogs, snow falling on my hood, the hum of the yard light, a lone vehicle traveling on the state highway almost a mile away. There is so much peace in the unknowing dark. There is so much peace in unknowing.

One of my daily journals is a Prayer Journal. I used to include prayers in my regular journal but would forget some, or omit that part for whatever reason. I credit Beth Moore’s “Align: 31 Days of Prayer” for really kickstarting this habit. I am learning to turn to God first and speak with God just as I would speak to my best friend. It hasn’t been easy.

I’m using The Everyday Prayer Map Journal for Women currently. I stumbled upon this at Sam’s Club and it really works for me. I am a writer, so I knew I needed something to guide my thoughts through a pen.

Each day I am guided to reflect on the day and what I need from God. Inside the front cover, I keep an ongoing list of prayer concerns. If someone has asked me for prayers, I make sure to record it here as read through the list again every day. I’ve also added a section to note when I feel there has been a direct answer.

I am one who journals and have been most of my life. I am also a planner and have been since my freshman year of college when an academic advisor taught me how to plan life in chunks that I could handle. I just completed my monthly planner and wrote 2 overreaching goals in large print at the top of the page.

Why am I fighting so hard to stay alive?

What would I do if I had a whole week alone at home with no one watching?

The year 2023 was rotten for my family. Sure, you can look for joy and all that stuff, but it was really hard and horrific and a host of other adjectives. But I am still fighting hard to stay alive. Why? Ah, that’s the kicker. I survived and I am still fighting because that family of mine, every single one of them, is worth the fight. I’m tired of bad things happening and I’m tired of writing lists of things I should do when I find the time. So I vow to focus on why I am still here, fighting Stage IV breast cancer. And I need to figure out just what it is that I really want to do with my time, because that clock is ticking with every treatment and scan. Maybe you should consider those questions for your own life.

Dave and I left home before 3:00 am today to drive to St Louis. I had an echocardiogram to begin my day here. One of my treatment drugs, Herceptin, comes with a high risk for heart problems so my oncology team monitors my heart closely. Everything looks normal today. Score one for the home team. I’m in the chemo pod hooked up to a saline drip, waiting for pharmacy to mix up my bags of Herceptin and Perjeta. Today is my 76th treatment.

The group, 3 Little Birds 4 Life, delivered a Christmas gift bag to everyone in the pod this morning. This is an organization whose mission is to make life a little easier for cancer patients.

It was a lovely surprise and brightened my spirits a great deal. It is a heavy dose of reality to spend the holidays in the chemo pod.