My girls let me sleep until 7:00 this morning; their typical “first call” is 5:30. I feel pretty much like one would expect to feel after the day I had yesterday. But then, exactly when I needed it most:
The first calf this year.
We begin again.
This morning, before I left for St. Louis, we enjoyed time in my most favorite place – The Oasis. I am so thankful for the fall temperatures so I can enjoy it again.
It is a slow day for chemo pharmacy today. My appointment was 3:00. It was after 5:30 when my first infusion bag arrived. This means it will be a late night drive home. Thank goodness I have some night owl friends who I visit with to stay awake. I drove myself today and intend to sleep in my own bed tonight.
I’m next to a loud talker. Bless his heart.
We’ve had some rough days in our family lately. I subscribe to The Corners by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Her latest post resonated with me: Prayers for the weary, the angry, the anxious, and the hopeful. I cling to hope with all my might.
Twenty-nine years ago today was a gorgeous Saturday in Central Illinois. We had been dating over seven years so we were both so thrilled to finally being married. Today we are equally, if not more, thrilled to continue making it through life together.
We are celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary by attending church and eating at our favorite restaurant. Mostly we are celebrating by just being together all day. There is nothing better than that. May God continue to bless us with many more years.
I did not meet anyone with metastatic breast cancer but I met many long term early stage survivors. I find MBC to be a lonely journey, simply because most of us do not live long. Within the MBC community I have experienced the same divisiveness that pervades our nation. But today, on a Saturday in Bloomington, my faith in humanity was restored and so I begin again.
Today is the day of the Komen More Than Pink Walk in Bloomington, Illinois. It is the first time I have participated in a fundraiser like this. I am excited that I am able to do this 4+ years after my diagnosis of MBC. Komen has a strong presence in St. Louis and at Siteman Cancer Center.
I am blessed with friends and family who make me feel like I am home when I am with them. They know what to say and when to say it. People closest to me have said I’m naive. My therapist says that extend grace freely. Either way, it is this quality that causes me the most heartache and disappointment. This week has been full of it.
Love breaks and burns and ends. But today, with grace, it begins again. Today, on a beautiful, brisk fall morning, I will walk a fun mile and be recognized with other breast cancer survivors. Today, I will meet, in person, other people with breast cancer and metastatic breast cancer. Today, and everyday, with the grace of God, I am allowed to begin again.
Please consider supporting my fundraising for the Komen More Than Pink Walk in Bloomington, IL on Saturday, September 9. I’m also looking for people to come with me that day for support. I think it will be fun!
Here is the link to my fundraising page for the event:
It was a bright and sunny day for a drive to St Louis. My labs were okay and I saw my oncology nurse practitioner, who I adore. She told me the best thing I can do for myself now is to continue staying active and losing weight. I’m receiving treatment #70 today. I am so thankful that I am still around to enjoy life. Thank you for all your prayers.
Time flies. Tomorrow (Tues, August 22) I will drive to St Louis for treatment #70 and to visit with my oncologist at Siteman Cancer Center. I am going on my own again because I really like being on the open road listening to music and singing at the top of my lungs. I am driving down and back the same day. So much has happened in my life in the past several months and I think that, just maybe, it is settling down. (I just knocked on my wooden desk, just in case.) I needed a break from social media and deleted the accounts under my name. It’s me. I was the problem.
I hit a point where I realized I was thinking too much about the clicks (think clicking the like button) and not on the relationships with the people in my community. I realized that hitting the “like” button or the “I care for you” emoji was not in any way being supportive or interacting with my community. Deleting my accounts forced me to send text messages and emails and actually make phone calls to people, and I was missing that. Now I have new accounts under the name Mbc Heidi but I am determined to make connections with people besides clicking buttons. I have so many email threads going with friends from college, friends from church and relatives and it helps me to be able to interact in words and not clicks. Thanks for your understanding and patience over the past few months.
This photo explains much of what I’ve been doing to heal my mind. I’m taking online art and writing classes. You can see that I’m still very much a beginner calligraphy but I love how I concentrate on it so much that it quiets my mind from daily worries. I’ve gotten back to journaling every day, a habit I began in high school. I am not good at speaking on the fly. I need time to sit with my thoughts – to let them percolate – to grow comfortable with them – to sift through them to remove the chaff. My planner is on my desk and I journal some in it every day. To the right of my planner is a journal I use for my writing classes and to expand my journaling on days that just won’t fit on one page. On top of my planner is some snail mail ready to go to the post office. I love sending and receiving mail. You can see some cards I received lately, too. I keep all of them in boxes and love to revisit them. At the back right on my desk is my Bible and a prayer study I have been working on for weeks. You will see two Bibles because sometimes I like to use my parallel study Bible when I’m not feeling connected to a particular version. I’m still focused on the same Bible verse: God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction. (Genesis 41:52) When I first blogged about this verse, I was not feeling fruitful at all. Now I am able to choose hope and joy again and am so grateful for all the people in my life. My church newsletter is always out as a reminder. My church family has enveloped me with so much love and care this summer. In two weeks we will begin serving a free community dinner on Wednesday evenings and you will see me there some weeks washing dishes. (My 4-H House sisters know that I always choose Dish Crews rather than Cook crews!) Choir will start up again for the school year. Our book club is planning to meet again soon. Being part of my church fills my heart and gives me purpose.
I must add this photo to explain how I’ve been healing. When I am at my desk journaling or taking online classes or participating in my support groups, Independence and Madilyn are never far away. They love to sleep on or near me. I could not have made it through this year without them. I spend most of my time here at home without other humans around, but never without my two faithful labradors. My little car is full of black dog hair because I usually take them with me to run errands. No time spent with a dog is ever enough.
I will soon be sharing more information about Heidi’s Hope boxes since it is time to think about fall bulbs again. I had the privilege of speaking at the Hoopeston Area Breast Cancer Support Group last week about My Density Matters. A dear friend from my teaching days is a member of the group. I will definitely be joining this group regularly from now on. They are really amazing and supportive and so welcoming. Next month I will take the 2023 version of Heidi’s Hope Box to share with them.
I found a lump that a mammogram did not due to extremely dense breast tissue. I encourage you to do a self-check today. Did you know men also get breast cancer? So this message is for everyone!
My 4th Cancerversary is over and my latest scans were stable. I’ve made a mind shift by switching to offense. Instead of sitting back wondering what might happen on this cancer journey next, I am focusing on strength training, walking, healthy eating and taking care of my own mental health. Tomorrow is treatment #69 plus a visit with my Radiation Oncologist. I am driving myself down and back the same day because I can, and because I relish the time alone. Anxiety always makes me wonder if the person with me is tired, bored, unhappy, or all of the above. On my own I stop and walk when my mind and my back says it is time. Feeling like a burden is not enjoyable and certainly not good when my focus needs to be on killing cancer.
I got another tattoo over the weekend to represent my cancer journey. Four stars for the four years I have dealt with Stage IV Breast Cancer. My friends have already committed to paying for the stars I will add over the years. So tomorrow will be a great day at Siteman Cancer Center and I will probably lose my voice from all the singing in the car.
I am not in control. 