Tuesday I meet with my radiation oncologist to plan for gamma knife on the margins of the brain tumor that was removed at the end of April. While I am certainly not looking forward to another procedure on my brain, the tumor needs to be eradicated.

In June I will be changing to a different treatment, my second. I lasted over 4 years in the first line of treatment. I had hoped for more years, but we need to stop more brain tumors from growing. Part of the new treatment will be infusion and part will be oral. My co pay for the oral drugs is $300 every 21 days. It will be worth every penny if it works. The side effects of the new treatment will be much worse than what I’m currently taking. I’m trying to wrap my head around all of it.

My tank is completely empty.

https://youtu.be/d9_PxplXOY8?si=e13eKBox3W7wi1wo

“I know I can’t be the only one, who’s holding on for dear life

But I know God knows, when it’s all said and done

I’m not OK, but it’s all gonna be alright

It’s not OK, but we’re all gonna be alright”

Today is treatment #83. I saw my oncologist this morning. I’m receiving infusions of Herceptin and Perjeta.

Mary Kay donated these gift bags for patients in the chemo pods. 🩷🩵💚

Life has been spinning out of control lately. I am blessed beyond belief with a support team led by Dave and some incredible friends. One of them, Joy, knows my love of poetry and my mantra of HOPE. She sent me this:

Hope

by Lisel Mueller

It hovers in dark corners
before the lights are turned on,
it shakes sleep from its eyes
and drops from mushroom gills,
it explodes in the starry heads
of dandelions turned sages,
it sticks to the wings of green angels
that sail from the tops of maples.

It sprouts in each occluded eye
of the many-eyed potato,
it lives in each earthworm segment
surviving cruelty,
it is the motion that runs
from the eyes to the tail of a dog,
it is the mouth that inflates the lungs
of the child that has just been born.

It is the singular gift
we cannot destroy in ourselves,
the argument that refutes death,
the genius that invents the future,
all we know of God.

It is the serum which makes us swear
not to betray one another;
it is in this poem, trying to speak.

https://donate.metavivor.org/fundraiser/5554408

Beginning this year I am dedicating my fundraising efforts to Light Up MBC. I will participate in the Light Up MBC walk in Illinois later this year. I hope some of you will join me.

My goal is to raise money for metastatic breast cancer research while also raising awareness of the importance of adequate screening for people with dense breast tissue, like me. Maybe this research will extend my life. Maybe this research will save someone else in the future.

On Tuesday I saw my neurologist for a surgical follow up visit. I was released from all restrictions. Pathology and post-surgical scans show that it was a tumor from 2021 that had been treated with gamma knife that started growing again. There was cancer and necrosis. The necrosis was removed. Most of the cancer was removed but I will have gamma knife as soon as possible on the margins to make sure we got it all. I’m waiting for Radiation Oncology to call and schedule it.

Yesterday I was in St Louis and today I am heading to Chicago to choose a granite slab for my kitchen. My ability to keep going doesn’t mean I am strong or positive or a good person. Cancer doesn’t make me any of those things. I’m an extremely flawed human who is grateful for today, hopeful for tomorrow, and trusting that God will still help me become the person I’m meant to be.

https://videopress.com/v/88yca1rY?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

Today is a hard day with lots of physical pain mixed with some heartache that only family members can cause. (If you know, you know.). I had hoped to get back to church today but could not pull myself together enough to get there. Church should be more like a hospital where you are celebrated for coming no matter how late into the service you arrive and there should be a section for people like me who just want to roll there in our leggings and hoodies. I also need a section for people who cry when the feels hit a bit too hard. Also it is just nine days after brain surgery so just maybe I should go easy on myself. I am trying to be my own friend, but baby steps.

Dave, Madi and I went for a ride in the truck. We got coffee and meandered around so Madi could see horses. (Yes. She is a big baby.) I returned to bed when we got back home, and I am mostly okay with that. I imagine one of my friends saying this and imagine how I would absolutely support and encourage them to spend the day being curled up in bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

https://videopress.com/v/U8KDAhS2?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

https://videopress.com/v/tnj7cGpg?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

https://videopress.com/v/br6pVKDM?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

It is an utterly gorgeous spring day. Dave and I left home around 9:00 am and will likely return home around 9:00 pm. Riding in a vehicle is not close to being comfortable for me yet so I settled in and slept the entire way down and hope to repeat that on the way back. It is hard for me to comprehend that this is treatment 82 —- that number seems too high to tolerate yet also not near enough for me to be here with the people I love.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) will be full of fun and challenges. Post treatment combined with post surgery will be the most challenging part. The fun part will be a finished bathroom and new carpet being installed. Dave has taken quite a few days off work to devote to taking care of me. He goes back to work tomorrow night. I think my dogs and I can handle it as a team. 🐾🐾 🖤 🐾🐾 🖤