I receive brain MRIs every 3 months and neck-down scans every 4 months. This month is when they coincide with each other. Tomorrow (10/17) I have a brain MRI. Next Monday (10/23) I have a full body bone scan and a chest/ab/pelvic CT. The following day (10/24) I have a heart MRI and treatment #73.
It is a lot for my mind and body to handle.
I wish I didn’t have metastatic breast cancer. I really with it had not spread to my brain. I’m tired and scared but I know I’m not alone. God is with me on my journey, holding my hand.
I’m asking all my Prayer Warriors to pray for me to get through all these appointments and to remember I am not alone.
It is nearly impossible to miss that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. There are numerous awareness days and months. Marketing campaigns seem to love to jump on idea of pink products and vague promises of donating to some kind of breast cancer charity. For someone like me who loves pink, adding pink items to my life is second nature. Did you know that Metastatic Breast Cancer has its own ribbon?
The MBC ribbon is green, teal and pink. The green represents triumph of spring over winter and thus symbolizes renewal, hope and immorality. The teal symbolizes healing and spirituality. The pink identifies the origin of the metastasis as breast cancer. It is harder to find products with the MBC ribbon on it. Everyone is aware of pink ribbon breast cancer, but not metastatic breast cancer – the only kind that kills and is killing 115 people every single day. I had not heard of MBC when I was diagnosed with it in July 2019. I found a lump and when they scheduled a biopsy, I had resigned myself to a diagnosis of breast cancer, the “little b” kind of breast cancer – early stage. My husband and I had talked about the possibilities of surgery and treatment and fighting it like a girl and battling it for a period of time and then moving on. When I was told it was Stage IV and had already spread to my bones, liver and adrenal gland and could not be cured, I felt like I had fallen into an abyss. Suddenly there was no talk of surgery and no talk of beating it.
I like the idea of people sporting pink ribbons on items they use or wear. But if you are able to donate money to make a difference, please direct it towards a charity that truly supports people with breast cancer or knowledge about it or research to cure metastatic breast cancer. There are many worth charities. I have three that I want to highlight.
The first is My Density Matters, a non-profit organization on a mission to empower women to know their breast density and take control of their breast cancer screening. I am an ambassador for the group and we created Heidi’s Hope Boxes to raise awareness and funds. Here is a link to learn more about Heidi’s Hope Box and to purchase one for yourself or to give to a friend:
The second is Metavivor, dedicated specifically to the fight of people living with Metastatic Breast Cancer. Metavivor is volunteer led by people with MBC. They offer support for those living with MBC and bring awareness. Their most important mission is to provide critical funds for researching metastatic breast cancer. They want to turn MBC from a terminal diagnosis to a chronic, manageable disease with a decent quality of life. They are currently the only group solely dedicated to the research of Metastatic Stage IV Breast Cancer. I participated in the Chicagoland #LightUpMBC Fun Run on October 1. I have a team fundraising page where you can still donate.
The third group is the Hoopeston Breast Cancer Support Group. It meets in Hoopeston, IL every 3rd Thursday. They offer support to past and present breast cancer survivors. They offer financial support for Hoopeston-area people with breast cancer. They also offer amazing emotional support. One of the members made key chains that explain breast self exams. Please let me know if you would like one. Donations can be mailed to the group in care of Pat Foster, 202 N 2700 E Road, Wellington, IL 60973-6048.
I want to leave you with a photo of me from this week as I celebrated the 21st birthday of my youngest child. This child was only 16 when I was diagnosed, the summer before their junior year in high school. I have never asked God to cure my cancer. I have asked for some healing in other areas of my life and God has done some marvelous healing in my life since my diagnosis. I begged God to allow me to see all my kids turn 21 and God provided.
I will spend four days at Siteman Cancer Center this month; this is the first. Today is treatment #72. I drove myself down here and it looks like it will be a very late drive home. My appointment was 3:00 and it is now 5:00 and pharmacy has not delivered the infusion bags yet. There are only 2 other patients in my pod and they are both receiving their first treatments. Hearing the detailed instructions and all their questions takes me right back to my first time here over 4 years ago.
I remember feeling overwhelmed more than anything; it had only been 12 days since I had found out that I had breast cancer and it had already spread to my bones, liver and adrenal gland. I know now that the short turn around time was a blessing as my cancer was aggressively spreading as evidenced by consecutive scans. I had cut my hair short in anticipation of losing it. In the photo you see my pink binder that had pages of test results, biopsy results, information about Barnes and lots of notes that my husband took for me so I could just try to listen and comprehend in all this early appointments. I wouldn’t be here today without Siteman Cancer Center and my husband, Dave. He keeps me going on the worst days and can always make me laugh during some of our toughest moments.
My cancer was not detected by my annual mammograms because I have highly dense breast tissue. I am an ambassador for My Density Matters. We work to empower women to know their breast density and to advocate for the scans they need if they have dense breast tissue. It helps my mental health immensely to tell my story and know that I am preventing what happened to me to happen to others. Please consider purchasing a Heidi’s Hope Box to support our organization.
We are experiencing gorgeous fall weather here in Central Illinois. I had the privilege of playing the piano for a funeral in Gifford today so I was able to take county highways and see how the harvest of corn and soybeans is progressing 30 miles southeast of our farm. This funeral was for a good and faithful servant of Christ who started farming at the age of 14. As he lived to be 104, the first half of the church was packed with children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren. Typical of farmer funerals, community members, fellow farmers and longtime church friends filled the rest of the pews. His first car was a Model A and his Farmall M sat in front of the church.
My favorite service to play for is a funeral. That may sound strange – so let me explain. Funerals are typically short-notice so music has to be found and learned quickly. Often a last minute song is sprung on us right before the service – one the family just remembered. That is my wheelhouse. Since I have played the piano for 48 years and the organ for 42 years, there aren’t too many hymns I haven’t played. I have a vast music library so I can usually find the music right at home. Sight-reading is something I love to do, thanks to the piano teacher I had in junior high and high school who began each lesson having me sight read. I guess it is like solving a puzzle, another hobby of mine. My goal every time I play is to allow God to use my playing as a conduit for a message to those hearing it. That goal is easier to achieve at a funeral rather than a wedding, which is typically a high-stress event for everyone behind the scenes. Finally, I think a funeral can be the most beautiful and meaningful church service, albeit painful. Certainly there is grief, but for a Christian, the funeral recognizes and celebrates the end of the earthly journey and the beginning of the ultimate life eternal.
I have learned to bring my journal along when I am going somewhere to play as I always have so many thoughts to record when the service is over. Today was no exception. I sat in my car in front of the parsonage and wrote page after page. I suffer from anxiety and am a trauma survivor. These things can block my mind from processing things as it should. But when I am playing, both sides of my brain are fully engaged. Left hand and right hand must be coordinated while they are performing very different movements. There are some extremely complex emotional and analytical processes going on. Studies show that the connection between both hemispheres of the brain in a piano player is much larger than in someone who does not. For me, this means my whole brain is needed to perform so there is no chance for trauma or anxiety to block thoughts. I feel such a strong connection to God and am able to gain many insights when I play that I could not otherwise. My therapist has prescribed more frequent piano playing for me. I cannot wait to get started on that.
My girls let me sleep until 7:00 this morning; their typical “first call” is 5:30. I feel pretty much like one would expect to feel after the day I had yesterday. But then, exactly when I needed it most:
This morning, before I left for St. Louis, we enjoyed time in my most favorite place – The Oasis. I am so thankful for the fall temperatures so I can enjoy it again.
🐾🐾 The Girls 🐾🐾
It is a slow day for chemo pharmacy today. My appointment was 3:00. It was after 5:30 when my first infusion bag arrived. This means it will be a late night drive home. Thank goodness I have some night owl friends who I visit with to stay awake. I drove myself today and intend to sleep in my own bed tonight.
I’m next to a loud talker. Bless his heart.
We’ve had some rough days in our family lately. I subscribe to The Corners by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Her latest post resonated with me: Prayers for the weary, the angry, the anxious, and the hopeful. I cling to hope with all my might.
Twenty-nine years ago today was a gorgeous Saturday in Central Illinois. We had been dating over seven years so we were both so thrilled to finally being married. Today we are equally, if not more, thrilled to continue making it through life together.
We are celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary by attending church and eating at our favorite restaurant. Mostly we are celebrating by just being together all day. There is nothing better than that. May God continue to bless us with many more years.
We gathered in the parking lot at State Farm Corporate South in Bloomington. Top fundraising teams had tents. The largest tent houses the Circle of Hope for survivors and those living with metastatic breast cancer. They offered a complimentary breakfast and door prizes. I won a beautiful hand-knit hat and gift cards to The Olive Bin and Spice Works, both amazing local businesses. Our emcee was Susan Saunders, the morning radio personality at WBNQ radio in Bloomington. The Pathways of Hope/Survivor Parade started the event with survivors and those of us living with metastatic breast cancer walking, united, into the Opening Ceremony. We walked a mile around the State Farm Lake. Oh what a beautiful morning!I met new friends today. Christy and I were interviewed by a Peoria television station.
I did not meet anyone with metastatic breast cancer but I met many long term early stage survivors. I find MBC to be a lonely journey, simply because most of us do not live long. Within the MBC community I have experienced the same divisiveness that pervades our nation. But today, on a Saturday in Bloomington, my faith in humanity was restored and so I begin again.
Today is the day of the Komen More Than Pink Walk in Bloomington, Illinois. It is the first time I have participated in a fundraiser like this. I am excited that I am able to do this 4+ years after my diagnosis of MBC. Komen has a strong presence in St. Louis and at Siteman Cancer Center.
I am blessed with friends and family who make me feel like I am home when I am with them. They know what to say and when to say it. People closest to me have said I’m naive. My therapist says that extend grace freely. Either way, it is this quality that causes me the most heartache and disappointment. This week has been full of it.
Love breaks and burns and ends. But today, with grace, it begins again. Today, on a beautiful, brisk fall morning, I will walk a fun mile and be recognized with other breast cancer survivors. Today, I will meet, in person, other people with breast cancer and metastatic breast cancer. Today, and everyday, with the grace of God, I am allowed to begin again.
Please consider supporting my fundraising for the Komen More Than Pink Walk in Bloomington, IL on Saturday, September 9. I’m also looking for people to come with me that day for support. I think it will be fun!
Here is the link to my fundraising page for the event:
I am not in control. 