My life these days is in a holding pattern – a state of no progress or change while waiting for something to happen. I guess you could say that is an improvement given the cascade of chaos that has ruled my life this year. I am diligently learning to be, a skill I need for survival.

I mark time as BC (Before Cancer) and AC (After Cancer). BC I was an avid reader although I usually only made time for reading related to my job as a CPA and Controller. For more than two years AC I could only read things about cancer. No other genre could hold my attention span for any length of time. I was gradually able to add those used for book discussions at my church. When church friends formed a group to discuss Demon Copperhead, I decided to try fiction again. The passage of time and a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel helped me relearn how to lose myself in a book. I didn’t realize that was my first step in Learning to Be. I revised my Goodreads account and downloaded an app for my local library and have been reading almost every day for a few months. I am enjoying an online book club for MBC. My youngest lab, Madi, assumes her position underneath my legs as I read in bed. It is a calm way to wind down my days.

Time spent on Heidi’s Oasis is still the best part of my day. I have strawberries, tomatoes, peppers, cucumber and zucchini growing in pots. Sometimes I read but usually I talk to friends on the phone or sit and listen to the sounds of the birds. It is my very favorite place to be. I would choose it over any vacation destination, even the ocean.

On Tuesday (7/11) I have more scans and my 68th treatment. It will be a very long day at Barnes and Dave is not able to go with me so I’m taking the train down and will come home the next day. This will be the 3rd time this year that I will be alone for scans and treatment. These three events have occurred in the last five months, which indicates the way the year has been going for my family. One of the scans is a brain MRI, which I get every three months since the first brain tumors were discovered in Nov 2020. I handle neck-down scans fairly well these days, but not the brain MRIs. My brain is closely associated with me – my thoughts, memories, emotions, intellect – and I absolutely hate that cancer has invaded me there.

Monday (7/10) is the 4th anniversary of me discovering the lump in my breast. The span of days including 7/10/19 – 7/25/19 are branded in my psyche. I remember the events of those days and my emotions vividly no matter how hard I would like to forget. I used to look at photos of me before 7/10/19 and try to remember how I felt – how it felt to not be fighting for my life – how it felt to be a normal person – how it felt to simply worry over regular things in life instead of when I will die. I have not been able to do that, even to this day.

My coping mechanism these days is to keep my mind occupied with other things. I am a huge Swiftie so I’ve been listening to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) on loop. I am trying to learn modern calligraphy and hand lettering so I spend time practicing the art in my Llama Lounge.

My mom is an amazing artist and has mastered many genres in her 88 years – sewing, quilting, quilling, knitting, crocheting, oil painting, tatting to name a few. BC my only art was music but AC I’ve been experiencing my own Renaissance as an artist. Art is a great outlet for emotions.

There is always a lab with me wherever I am in the house. Madi slept at my feet while I was in the Llama Lounge today. There is never enough time spent with a dog.

We are experiencing a severe drought in the Midwest but have enjoyed some rain this week. My daughter called me outside Friday evening to see this full rainbow over our farm. What a God nod!

What keeps me going in this holding pattern? Faith is the first thing. This guy is the next. We spent some time at a concert at our county fair last week with dear friends we’ve known for decades. It was so so good to laugh and talk about our memories together BC. I am blessed with an abundance of people who love me and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.