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I’m at Siteman South County receiving treatment #30. Time flies when you’re killing cancer.

The Tin Man

I’m still pretty tired from my gamma knife procedure last Thursday and get a little dizzy occasionally. Monday I had another fall at home. This time I was in my carpeted bedroom, which helped. What didn’t help was my right hip landing on top of a large plastic dog toy shaped like a bolt. It made a very large, interestingly-shaped bruise and scratch with a variety of colors. I’m still pretty sore but getting better everyday. One of the side effects of my targeted therapy is what I call the “tin man” effect. I often feel like the tin man from the Wizard of Oz, before he was oiled by Dorothy. When the Tin Man becomes dizzy and starts to teeter, she tends to topple to the ground!

Learning to Love

Sunday I played the pipe organ for two church services. It was so therapeutic to get back to that right after the gamma knife. The sermon text was from 1 John 3:1. “What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we’re called children of God! That’s who we really are. But that’s also why the world doesn’t recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he’s up to.” Pr Lehman reminded me that we need to love more and love without all the conditions. I love my 3 kids infinitely more than anything else. It is hard for me to think of God loving me like that – but God does.

My maternal grandmother (Gran) was my greatest example of that kind of love. She loved you no matter what. She paid no attention to how someone looked or acted. I never once heard her say negative things about anyone and she always came to the defense of others. There was a time in my life when I thought she was not strong. I thought she allowed people to treat her like a door mat. I have learned that she was actually a pillar of strength. She was secure enough in her faith to see all others as fellow children of God. I am trying to learn to love like that – without conditions. I have a long, long way to go.

This weird thing I do with my brain

I’ve had a few days to adjust to the news that I had 5 new brain tumors last week instead of 1. When I receive not-so-good cancer news I have learned to give myself about a week to compartmentalize that news into part of my brain. I cannot forget about it, but I can place it in a specific part of my brain that I try to only access at certain times. Usually that is late at night when Dave is at work and I’m hanging out with Indie. Sometimes that is when I’m taking a walk outside with Indie. Often this is when I’m playing the piano, a time when I feel closest to God. I’m not happy that there were 5 new brain tumors, but I am confident the gamma knife took care of them. I intend to only die ONE day, which means I need to focus on LIVING the other days. I am blessed with a support team to help me do this. My husband, my 3 kids, and my mom take good care of me. I have 3 close friends who check in on me almost daily. This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.