I spent a lot of time playing the piano today. It is my therapy and the best way I communicate with God. We had a lot to discuss today.

One of my most favorite hymns is On Eagle’s Wings by Michael Joncas. I thank my 4-H House friend, Bev, who asked me to sing it at her wedding. I recorded an arrangement of it by Lorie Line for my dad’s memorial service. The lyrics are based on Psalm 91.

On Eagle’s Wings

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, “My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust.”

And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.

And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

For to His angels He’s given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

Hey Wait a Minute

If God is holding me and protecting me, why do I have cancer?

I don’t believe we are supposed to understand everything about God. I also don’t think God planned for me to get cancer. But I do believe, without a doubt, that God is with me, holding me, helping me deal with my pain and symptoms.

Today I was feeling embarrassment more than anger over my work situation. How could I be so naive to think I was important to the company so much that they cared about me as a person? But I thought of the words of Psalm 91 as I played and realized that God is loving me and caring for me, just as he is watching over all creation. God loves me and is holding me in the palm of his hand, keeping me safe. I don’t need to feel anger or embarrassment over my work situation. In the end, it just doesn’t matter.

I’m playing the organ at Immanuel Lutheran in Flatville tomorrow. Before I play the first note I ask God to help me spread his message through my music. I will be listening for his spirit as I play. I hope you all can find your way to communicate with God, too.

My “below-the-neck” scans showed a new lesion in my shoulder. That is the first time I’ve had progression below the neck in over a year. It is just starting to form and it is the only sign of active cancer below my neck. So it is not good news but certainly not awful news. It caught me by surprise so it has taken a few days to digest the news.

Next week I have a brain MRI to check for new tumors. My anxiety level is really high going into this test. But I know my attitude now has nothing to do with what that scan will show. There is either progression or not. But my attitude will help me handle the news. The results of the brain MRI will help determine the treatment for the new bone lesion.

I’m still on my first line of treatment. Since there are only so many known treatments for MBC, it is vital for me to remain on one line of treatment as long as possible. I will live with MBC until I run out of lines of treatments.

If you follow my blog you know I have been planning on taking disability from work soon. I suppose this new progression is at least good timing with that. (Sometimes you have to s t r e t c h to find some positives.) Today was the most disappointing day so far with my current job, and that says a lot. I gave them several month’s notice instead of the typical 2 weeks, trying to be nice with the labor market the way it is. I offered to stay and overlap my successor to help with the transition. Today I found out that my successor, a much younger (read less experience) male is being given a salary higher than mine. This was a gut punch. I went back into work the same day after receiving my diagnosis, because there were things that had to be done. I have worked with a puke bucket next to me after chemo because the payroll/patronage/tax returns/financial statements had to be completed. I’ve sat in the chemo pods at Barnes with my laptop spread out so I could make sure my work was done. When I was in the hospital after my fall and the discovery that the cancer had spread to my brain, I made sure Dave brought my laptop so I could get work done.

This should be a lesson to you; learn from my mistakes. Work should never be a priority. Never. Because work doesn’t care if you have cancer. Work doesn’t care if you are dealing with a terminal illness. Hard work doesn’t get you a pass from illness or a better seat in the afterlife.

Writing is one of my therapies so when I haven’t blogged in a while, you know how I’m doing.

The past 3 months have been a blur of traumas. Family problems. Catastrophic flood. Pain. I’m doing what I need to do to put the pieces back together and help everyone through. I wish i had a “me” who would handle all my problems for me, too. I’m great at caregiving. I’m horrible at asking for and accepting help.

Every morning in the shower I pray. I pray for Andrea, Abigail, Amy, Kathleen, Helen, April, Silke and a host of other friends I’ve met in my MBC groups. It’s Breast Cancer month and I’m not handling the wave of pink well this year. I haven’t logged into my groups. I haven’t messaged anyone or sent snail mail. I haven’t posted about MBC. I just don’t have it in me now.

I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been and it has nothing to do with MBC except for the physical pain. I’m working on that.

When I’m not helping others, I fake some happiness to some close friends and then retreat to my hole. I tell myself this will all get better. My mom’s house will get finished. My job will go away in a few weeks. I will finally have time to be me, have fun, spend time with my kids and my close friends, sit at my piano, start some sewing projects.

It’s Breast Cancer Month. October 13 is specifically MBC Day. Donate to organizations that research a cure for MBC like Metavivor. Be aware of all the pink things for sale and see where the donations go. Remember that 116 of us are dying every damn day of MBC. I’m not okay. But some day I will be.