I hate July.
Every single day in July now holds specific traumatic memories. I know what I was wearing. I can see and smell and hear those days. I can see the faces of those around me trying to process my new truth of Metastatic Breast Cancer.
I cannot – absolutely cannot – enter the exam room at my local doctor office where I heard, “There is never an easy way to say this.” I clenched Dave’s hand to keep from falling into the abyss.
I hate July.
I’ve spent this month the same way I’ve spent the last 5 years – clenching tightly to Dave’s hand. My two besties since 7th grade, Malinda and Kathy, have been keeping close tabs on me, too, because they understand how hard it has been to hold myself together. Just a few days left…
Today Dave and I delivered Not Dead Yet cookies to some special people. I’m grateful to my friend, Michelle Brucker, at Sweet Kreation in Gibson City, IL, for providing the delicious and beautiful cookies! She used the colors of the Metastatic Breast Cancer ribbon – pink, teal, green. It was my way of shifting my focus today to people who help me.
Now it is evening and Dave has left for work and I’m finally alone with my thoughts.
I hate July.
I hope I have 5 more Julys to hate.
I am not in control. 
YES! My new prayer. That you may enjoy hating at least 5 more Julys with all you love and all who love you! I love you Heidi “Storm” Brown. Storm on!
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New take on July for me. I can hate the rest of July, too, just for you! You are kicking it! Keep on kicking it down the road. love and peace to you!
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I totally get those feelings. We remember the day we got the call, where we were, who held us, the swirling kaleidoscope of thoughts for days after… Mine came on my birthday. Twice. What are the chances? First time was eight years ago, finding the lump. Then nearly two years ago, hearing that the CT scan showed a mass in my lung and associated lesions in my ribs. It was back. Probably never really left. MBC. Having to explain over and over what that means. That I don’t get to “beat” this one. I have a weird relationship with my birthday now. Bittersweet at best. But we’re still here. You each July and me each November. Day by day, week by week.
Holding you in my thoughts xx
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