Lead Apron

I had a t-shirt quilt made with some of my metastatic breast cancer (MBC) shirts. It is gorgeous.

Today’s devotional centered on Exodus 17:1-7. God is always with us. It is difficult to remember that when times are hard and easier to be thankful when things are going well. I believe with my whole being that God is with me always. I woke up in a foul mood, likely because I went to bed in a foul mood. This is not the life I had planned. Having MBC is like always wearing a lead apron – the kind they put on at a dental office for X-rays. That weight is always there, lurking. Always a burden. Never lifted. Ever. Not for a moment. Never forgotten, even though it seems like many people in my life forget I am carrying it. (You look so good. You are so resilient. )

I am focused on learning self-compassion. How does that fit with a mood like this? I can acknowledge how I feel. I can talk to God. I can write. I can bake. I can sew. I can play the piano. I can draw. I can light a candle, I can snuggle with my dog. I can allow myself to be angry and sad and resentful while also reminding myself that, amidst the awfulness, there are moments of joy and love and Madi.