Eff

I’ve been purposefully busy in attempt to distract myself from thinking about the upcoming scan. We saw the opera, “Little Women,” and the play, “Radium Girls,” in the last 2 weeks. Both were at the Krannert Center for Performing Arts on the University of Illinois campus. We planted 4 new trees on the farm and cleaned up a lot of landscaping. I discovered that the rhubarb and bleeding hearts that I thought were killed last year actually came back up again. The bleeding heart was accidentally mowed down and the rhubarb fell victim to over-aggressive farm chemical spraying. They were both dear to my mom so it hurt a lot to see them go. I’ve been visiting them daily to tell them how glad I am they are back. We have a freeze warning tonight so Madi and I went around and covered several things left here by my mom

Madi turned 4 on Friday, April 17 and we celebrated with an ice cream pup cup.

Despite the freeze warning tonight, it has actually been too hot for me to handle walking outside. (I have little body temperature control due to chemo along with a nasty rash when I am exposed to the sun. Cancer – the gift that keeps on giving.) I joined a local gym so I can walk on a treadmill in a lovely climate-controlled environment.

Now I find myself alone on a cold Sunday night spiraling with scanxiety. I’ve run out of distractions.

On Tuesday (April 21) I have to be in St. Louis by 6:30 am for another brain MRI which means we will leave the farm by 2:30 am. We will meet with my radiation oncologist a few hours later for preliminary results followed by treatment 116 mid-morning. I hope to be home in bed by 5:00 pm. The scanxiety is horrendous. The last two tests have produced bad results so I wonder if the streak will continue. New brain tumors would explain the results of the CT scan. I cannot see my new cardiac oncologist until mid-May. I’m not good at waiting to hear the next steps. My brain tells me that worry does not change anything and that I want the scan to show any new tumors so they can be treated. My heart refuses to listen. I’m tired of – gestures wildly – all of this.

Eff.