My life has been severely disordered lately – a thing a control freak despises. Last month I took my 21 year-old on a trip to Seattle. On my bucket list is a solo trip with each of my children; this was the first. It was incredible for so many reasons, but mostly because I was able to have so much time alone with him. Crossing off bucket list items is equal parts joyous and heart-breaking. I am working hard to put as much of me as I can into my kids while I am here so that they will always feel me with them when I am not.
Right before our trip someone for whom I am a caregiver had an accident but my husband and other children stepped up to help while I was gone. I returned home to a house with a puppy who wasn’t ready for her mom to be gone on a trip (again, blessings to my husband and other children for stepping up). Order was restored to life for one day and then Covid hit me – on my birthday and also the day I was supposed to receive treatment. My treatment was delayed two weeks, which terrifies me. In three years this is the only the second time treatment was delayed. The other time was a delay of two weeks due to Covid quarantine and the cancer spread to my brain the following month. We will never know if the delay caused that, but my anxiety is running through the roof these days. There is nothing I can do but wait until my next round of scans.
While recovering from Covid, our air conditioner went on life support and finally died during the hottest part of the year. It was pretty miserable here and I couldn’t go anywhere else for fear of spreading Covid. There was so much disorder created living in a ninety degree house. We avoided running anything that might add heat to the house. We have a new unit installed and I am remembering to be thankful each day for cool air and I might be caught up on laundry now.
So now, recognizing that I am not in control of my life, I am still trying to restore some order. My amazing family has declared today a re-do of my birthday. We are celebrating at my favorite restaurant. I have treatment this week and will try to put faith over fear until my next scans. I am back home with my two black labs who bring me so much joy and companionship and never tire of licking away my tears. I am a caregiver when I am able and learning to be a care receiver when it is needed. There is so much beauty in the ordinary.