Reality Bites

I’ve been struggling this week. Treatment 122 on Tuesday didn’t help, although it has been kinder than usual. Fatigue and diarrhea are the big physical issues of the week. The company that holds my long term disability insurance policy is requiring me to re-qualify for the claim. This is the second time I have had to do this. Completing all those forms and forwarding some of the forms to my oncology team to complete really put me in a mental tail-spin. There is no logical fear that they will not re-certify me. I still very much have metastatic breast cancer and am in active treatment. They require complete access to my medical records, which I understand but it still bothers me. I still very much qualify for SSDI, a requirement for long term disability insurance claims. Requiring me to describe all this on forms brings a lot of feelings back up to the surface – feelings I work hard to suppress. They asked me what I do with my time. Ouch.

Taking care of my health and completing daily living activities is a full time job for me. This is not the life I imagined at 57. My peers are pouring themselves into their careers and earning money and saving for retirement. They have travel plans. I stretch my monthly disability check and take a tote bag wherever I go in case I vomit or crap my pants. I don’t have any personal beef with the people who greet me with, “You look so good!” But in my head I am screaming, “I vomited in the car on the way.” or “I have not had any food or drink in 6 hours so it would be safe for me to attend.” So why in the world do I feel the need to justify what I do with my time? I guess my heart is sometimes louder than my brain. My heart had other ideas for this life.

So what have I been doing with my time?

I packed up my infamous tote bag and went to the Illinois State Fair last week. I did use some emesis bags but also made a new friend in Willie the Llama.

I filled tens of pages in my sketch book.

I took Madi and Milli for some car rides to run errands.

I choose to continue to live while I’m alive. Where is the box for that on the form?