Twenty-nine years ago today was a gorgeous Saturday in Central Illinois. We had been dating over seven years so we were both so thrilled to finally being married. Today we are equally, if not more, thrilled to continue making it through life together.
We are celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary by attending church and eating at our favorite restaurant. Mostly we are celebrating by just being together all day. There is nothing better than that. May God continue to bless us with many more years.
We gathered in the parking lot at State Farm Corporate South in Bloomington. Top fundraising teams had tents. The largest tent houses the Circle of Hope for survivors and those living with metastatic breast cancer. They offered a complimentary breakfast and door prizes. I won a beautiful hand-knit hat and gift cards to The Olive Bin and Spice Works, both amazing local businesses. Our emcee was Susan Saunders, the morning radio personality at WBNQ radio in Bloomington. The Pathways of Hope/Survivor Parade started the event with survivors and those of us living with metastatic breast cancer walking, united, into the Opening Ceremony. We walked a mile around the State Farm Lake. Oh what a beautiful morning!I met new friends today. Christy and I were interviewed by a Peoria television station.
I did not meet anyone with metastatic breast cancer but I met many long term early stage survivors. I find MBC to be a lonely journey, simply because most of us do not live long. Within the MBC community I have experienced the same divisiveness that pervades our nation. But today, on a Saturday in Bloomington, my faith in humanity was restored and so I begin again.
Today is the day of the Komen More Than Pink Walk in Bloomington, Illinois. It is the first time I have participated in a fundraiser like this. I am excited that I am able to do this 4+ years after my diagnosis of MBC. Komen has a strong presence in St. Louis and at Siteman Cancer Center.
I am blessed with friends and family who make me feel like I am home when I am with them. They know what to say and when to say it. People closest to me have said I’m naive. My therapist says that extend grace freely. Either way, it is this quality that causes me the most heartache and disappointment. This week has been full of it.
Love breaks and burns and ends. But today, with grace, it begins again. Today, on a beautiful, brisk fall morning, I will walk a fun mile and be recognized with other breast cancer survivors. Today, I will meet, in person, other people with breast cancer and metastatic breast cancer. Today, and everyday, with the grace of God, I am allowed to begin again.
Please consider supporting my fundraising for the Komen More Than Pink Walk in Bloomington, IL on Saturday, September 9. I’m also looking for people to come with me that day for support. I think it will be fun!
Here is the link to my fundraising page for the event:
It was a bright and sunny day for a drive to St Louis. My labs were okay and I saw my oncology nurse practitioner, who I adore. She told me the best thing I can do for myself now is to continue staying active and losing weight. I’m receiving treatment #70 today. I am so thankful that I am still around to enjoy life. Thank you for all your prayers.
Time flies. Tomorrow (Tues, August 22) I will drive to St Louis for treatment #70 and to visit with my oncologist at Siteman Cancer Center. I am going on my own again because I really like being on the open road listening to music and singing at the top of my lungs. I am driving down and back the same day. So much has happened in my life in the past several months and I think that, just maybe, it is settling down. (I just knocked on my wooden desk, just in case.) I needed a break from social media and deleted the accounts under my name. It’s me. I was the problem.
I hit a point where I realized I was thinking too much about the clicks (think clicking the like button) and not on the relationships with the people in my community. I realized that hitting the “like” button or the “I care for you” emoji was not in any way being supportive or interacting with my community. Deleting my accounts forced me to send text messages and emails and actually make phone calls to people, and I was missing that. Now I have new accounts under the name Mbc Heidi but I am determined to make connections with people besides clicking buttons. I have so many email threads going with friends from college, friends from church and relatives and it helps me to be able to interact in words and not clicks. Thanks for your understanding and patience over the past few months.
This photo explains much of what I’ve been doing to heal my mind. I’m taking online art and writing classes. You can see that I’m still very much a beginner calligraphy but I love how I concentrate on it so much that it quiets my mind from daily worries. I’ve gotten back to journaling every day, a habit I began in high school. I am not good at speaking on the fly. I need time to sit with my thoughts – to let them percolate – to grow comfortable with them – to sift through them to remove the chaff. My planner is on my desk and I journal some in it every day. To the right of my planner is a journal I use for my writing classes and to expand my journaling on days that just won’t fit on one page. On top of my planner is some snail mail ready to go to the post office. I love sending and receiving mail. You can see some cards I received lately, too. I keep all of them in boxes and love to revisit them. At the back right on my desk is my Bible and a prayer study I have been working on for weeks. You will see two Bibles because sometimes I like to use my parallel study Bible when I’m not feeling connected to a particular version. I’m still focused on the same Bible verse: God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction. (Genesis 41:52) When I first blogged about this verse, I was not feeling fruitful at all. Now I am able to choose hope and joy again and am so grateful for all the people in my life. My church newsletter is always out as a reminder. My church family has enveloped me with so much love and care this summer. In two weeks we will begin serving a free community dinner on Wednesday evenings and you will see me there some weeks washing dishes. (My 4-H House sisters know that I always choose Dish Crews rather than Cook crews!) Choir will start up again for the school year. Our book club is planning to meet again soon. Being part of my church fills my heart and gives me purpose.
I must add this photo to explain how I’ve been healing. When I am at my desk journaling or taking online classes or participating in my support groups, Independence and Madilyn are never far away. They love to sleep on or near me. I could not have made it through this year without them. I spend most of my time here at home without other humans around, but never without my two faithful labradors. My little car is full of black dog hair because I usually take them with me to run errands. No time spent with a dog is ever enough.
I will soon be sharing more information about Heidi’s Hope boxes since it is time to think about fall bulbs again. I had the privilege of speaking at the Hoopeston Area Breast Cancer Support Group last week about My Density Matters. A dear friend from my teaching days is a member of the group. I will definitely be joining this group regularly from now on. They are really amazing and supportive and so welcoming. Next month I will take the 2023 version of Heidi’s Hope Box to share with them.
I found a lump that a mammogram did not due to extremely dense breast tissue. I encourage you to do a self-check today. Did you know men also get breast cancer? So this message is for everyone!
My 4th Cancerversary is over and my latest scans were stable. I’ve made a mind shift by switching to offense. Instead of sitting back wondering what might happen on this cancer journey next, I am focusing on strength training, walking, healthy eating and taking care of my own mental health. Tomorrow is treatment #69 plus a visit with my Radiation Oncologist. I am driving myself down and back the same day because I can, and because I relish the time alone. Anxiety always makes me wonder if the person with me is tired, bored, unhappy, or all of the above. On my own I stop and walk when my mind and my back says it is time. Feeling like a burden is not enjoyable and certainly not good when my focus needs to be on killing cancer.
I got another tattoo over the weekend to represent my cancer journey. Four stars for the four years I have dealt with Stage IV Breast Cancer. My friends have already committed to paying for the stars I will add over the years. So tomorrow will be a great day at Siteman Cancer Center and I will probably lose my voice from all the singing in the car.
One of my favorite authors is Kate Bowler. She is an associate professor at Duke Divinity School and has Stage IV Colon Cancer. Her podcasts are so amazing that I listen to them more than once. Even her social media posts are inspiring as she gives blessings for people challenged with a variety of issues. I found her book, Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Heard, shortly after my own diagnosis with Stage IV Breast Cancer. I highly recommend it.
Another author and Stage IV Breast Cancer survivor, Nancy Treat, wrote an article that explains how to be a better helper when someone you love is hurting. She quotes Kate Bowler. It is amazing and I am sharing it for you to read here.
I began my day at the gym. I have the most awesome trainer who understands my limitations yet still pushes me to improve. I never want to go, but afterwards am so proud that I went.
I spent the afternoon and evening with my daughter and it was amazing. We both love the used book store in downtown Champaign, Jane Addams Bookshop. I found several I couldn’t pass up, including one that my pastor had recommended to me: The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen. We shopped for new jeans for me since I’ve lost more weight and have dropped another size. That sure improved my mood.
We went to Harvest Market to look for my favorite snack these days, Hippeas. They are puffed chick peas and delicious and crunchy but not many points on the diet I follow. They are difficult to find so when I saw how many there were at this new store, I was a little happy.
My birthday present from my daughter was spending the day together and matching tattoos – my first tattoo.
I have always had a high tolerance for pain and 4 years of MBC has only increased that. I could barely feel it. Accessing my port for chemo is much more painful than a tattoo and that happens at least every three weeks. The chair was comfy and my daughter and I had lots of time to visit during the process.
We chose our matching first initials. My daughter had saved up to pay for the whole thing. I love it!
It’s been 4 years since my old life disappeared in an instant. Four years ago I had never heard of metastatic breast cancer and didn’t know that mammograms do not see cancer in people with dense breast tissue. I’ve been through 68 chemo treatments, 3 gamma knife procedures, radiation on my adrenal gland and my shoulder, numerous scans, had my lungs drained of fluid twice, and spent my first times in the hospital for something other than childbirth. I had to quit work. My medical expenses have skyrocketed. Yet…
I have learned to prioritize my time and my relationships. I have a group of friends who have rallied around me. I’ve made so many friends in the MBC world. I’m sorry for the reason we met but I’m so grateful they are part of my life. I don’t sweat the small things anymore. I feel like I have a direct line to talk with God.
I have big plans for Cancerversary 5.0 so let’s “get to the getting” (as my husband would say). 🩷🩵💚
